How to Irritate The Doctor :: The Ultimate Guide
by TheRiverRunsRed
Summary: Madi Kish is The 11th Doctor's snarky, bubbly, humorous companion whose life mission seems to be to drive The Doctor insane. Follow their short adventure in this Doctor Who Fun-Shot (all the awesomeness of a one shot, minus the romance.) NOTE: This is just meant as quick comic relief, so the writing is sloppy and there are probably many mistakes that I've overlooked. PleaseEnjoy


Being The Doctor was never easy; at least, that's what he told me. In fact, I believe his exact words were _"and it's even harder when my companion is someone like you,"_ which I found quite rude. Not that The Doctor cared. He told me I was even ruder. But I always said there were two kinds of people, and the kind that ended up like me...God pray for their souls.

_**~*TheRiverRunsRed*~**_

"Doctor, what is this?"

"That, my dear, is a can opener."

"Why does it look so fancy?"

"Probably because it's from the year 2618. Now stop touching things! You'll blow everything up."

"That's rather mean."

The Doctor, plucking the can-opener-from-the-future out of my prying hands, growled and opened a small, steel box. "If I give you some candy, will you please shut up and sit quietly like a good human?"

I pursed my lips as he pulled out a small bag of what looked like glass beads, colorfully decorated with beautiful swirls in an array of colors. They _chinked_ when he moved the bag, holding it at an army's length while I examined the contents. "Maybe. Depends on if the candy is good or not."

"It's Atraxi candy, so I highly doubt that, but there's no use in trying now is there?"

He shook the candies, making them glitter seductively in the light and wink mercilessly at me. I was never one to deny a challenge. I took the bag in one hand and pulled at the ribbon on top with the other.

"Hey, Doctor?" I asked as he turned his back on me and began pressing buttons on the TARDIS console.

"Yes?" he grunted, clearly not interested in whatever was about to come out of my mouth.

"Taste!" His eyes widened when I popped a smooth piece of the hard candy between his lips and quickly sauntered back, watching him cough and wheeze hazardously.

"What the hell, Madi?!" He choked out between gasps.

"Checking for poison," I stated, inching closer and poking his arm tentatively. He slapped my finger away and continued to recover from my assault. "And I told you never to call me by my first name."

"Well then, _Kish, _I'm a Time Lord, so even if it was poisoned, your petty human toxins would have no effect on me."

"I didn't say I was testing poison for me," I teased with a smirk, "but thanks for the concern."

I respectively placed a single, round candy on my own tongue. It exploded in a glorious assortment of flavors and rolled over my tongue in savory waves. I bobbed my head in bliss and swirled it about as I relished the delicacy.

"You know," I began, swiveling the little delight on the right side of my mouth, "I think this would taste like the TARDIS," I swiveled it to the opposite side, "if the TARDIS had a taste..."

I looked up at The Doctor through languid lashes, but he seemed not to care for my attempt at humor. He dismissed my observation with a wave of his hand, and I was again met with the lonely sight of his broad back.

"Hey, hey, Doctor..." I poked his back twice, however he seemed very versed in the skill of ignoring people. "Doctor, Doctor, hey..." I jabbed him once more. It evoked no response.

"Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor," I poked his back with each rendition of his name, "Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor..."

His body shook as he summoned all of his willpower into not throwing me out of the TARDIS and letting me fend for myself in space.

"If you don't respond, I'll start singing." It seemed nothing I could do would break my precious Doctor; I sucked in a deep breath to blast out the first note.

"Alright, alright, I fold!" He cut me off with a frenzied wave of his arms. "What do you want?"

"Ehhhhhhhh, nothing." I grinned stupidly at him, folding my arms behind my back. His glare could've leveled mountains and his scowl could've killed a man.

"Kish, if you don't tell me exactly what you have to say, I will set fire to your bed."

"I don't appreciate your attitude."

"KISH."

"Fine! I was gonna say...Wanna see me do the worm?" I wiggled my eyebrows at him as his glare narrowed into daggers.

The Doctor paused, and blinked slowly. He inhaled shakily and and released it as a muffled groan. "What?" he asked.

"Yeah, I've been practicing recently. Gotten pretty good at it, I'd say. Wanna see?"

"No!"

"I can teach you."

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

Determined to loosen him up, I stepped forward. My foot tangled into a wire jutting out from beneath the TARDIS so quickly not even my ninja skills could save me.

"Ow!" I muttered after the ground begged me for a kiss. My nose felt stubbed, and I rubbed the sore spot that I was positive was turning purple.

"Idiot, get up."

"Maybe I like the floor!" I curled into a ball and rolled onto my side.

"Get. Up," he ordered.

"But Doctor, I'm tireeeddddd..."

"Kish, _now_, I don't have time for this!"

"BUT I'M TIRRREEEEEDDDDDD-"

"Have you ever thought about what it would be like if you shut up?"

"Have you ever thought about what it would be like to be a potato?"

The Doctor sighed, frustrated. "Stop trying to be clever. I'm the clever one; you're the potato. I never should have let you come with me."

"You would've missed out on all this fun!"

"This isn't fun."

_"This isn't fun," _I mocked, using my best Doctor impression. Either it wasn't very good or he found it extremely bothersome because I noticed his left eye twitch. Maybe my accent was off. Probably that.

The Doctor exited the main console, and I thought I heard him mumbling something about how he should ban all Americans from the TARDIS.

A mixture of disappointment and boredom washed over my body. Now that the Doctor was gone, I considered sitting up from the floor. But why do that when I could bother him some more? I forced my voice to tremble and choke with fear. "DOCTOR!" I screamed.

Immediately, the Doctor ran streaming back into the room, eyes wide. "What, what is it? Daleks? Cybermites? _Snowmen_?"

I smirked playfully, still rolling comfortably on the ground. "Just kiddinggg. I just wanted to see how fast you are, and I have to say, you could use a few rounds on the treadmill."

The Doctor turned to me and looked utterly incredulous. "Bloody hell, Kish! I thought you were in actual danger!"

I rolled over and smiled, batting my eyelashes at him. "So you _do_ care."

He pursed his lips, hesitating. "Shut up." He pulled a lever on the console, and a screen fell. "So where do you want to go?"

"Mmmmmmm," I rolled towards him with intense thoughtfulness. "Pig Farts."

"How many times do I have to tell you, PIG FARTS IS NOT REAL."

"Yes it is! It's on Mars!"

"It. Does. Not. Exist."

"How do you know?!"

"_Because I'm the fucking Doctor. I've been to Mars."_

"Did you use the official map of Mars?"

The Doctor took a breath. "Of course I did, you idiot."

"PIGFARTS IS HIDDEN FROM ALL MAPS WITH MAGIC."

"GOD DAMN IT, KISH."

I frowned at him, propping myself up by my elbows. "You're no fun, Doctor. You're getting too old."

"I'm a Time Lord. I don't get old."

"Doctor?"

"What now?"

"Can we go to the place again?"

The entirety of him tensed, causing the mood in the place to grow heavy. "You miss her that much?"

"Of course!" I snapped. "She adopted me when no one else would. She's my mother..."

I noticed him watching me from the corner of his eye. Sheepishly, I moved my hand to wipe the pools forming in my eyes.

"Alright," he agreed. "TARDIS, take us to Amy Pond's grave."


End file.
